My days have been filled with angst and worry. What began as a joyous journey towards a new baby has left me with a racing mind and a bloated, aching stomach. It all began last week when I began spotting. It was my first week back at work--teaching--and I assumed that it was a normal part of pregnancy. Even though I hadn't experienced spotting with my first pregnancy, I readily believed that since I had already had a healthy pregnancy I would naturally have another. A quick search on Google relieved my mind, as spotting in the first trimester can be normal. As the days went on and the color changed from brown to light pink I started to have some concerns, but in my laid back ever so trusting spirit determined that it was caused by the stress of going back to work. When things turned bright red over the weekend, I really started to worry, I knew something was off. I searched online and posted online in a mom's group, temporarily finding reprieve in it possibly being a subchronic hemorrhage.
Deep down I knew something was off and mentioned to my husband that I wanted to get an ultrasound to set my mind at ease and confirm the hemorrhage. Because OB offices are closed over the weekend and Urgent Care doesn't offer ultrasound, the only option is the Emergency Room. I figured I could wait and make a normal appointment, so I called and scheduled an appointment for first thing Tuesday morning.
By then I was more concerned, the amount of blood I was spotting had increased. Even when the doctor went to give me an internal exam she had to wipe away blood. I knew I was in trouble. When she sent me down for the ultrasound, the tech asked me to use the restroom before we used the internal ultrasound equipment. In the bathroom, I discovered more spotting, this time with some sort of tissue mixed in. I knew then that the ultrasound would likely confirm a loss but tried to remain positive as I grabbed a tissue from above the toilet thinking maybe it'll be a baby with a heartbeat or maybe it'll be a loss, but either way I'll be prepared if I cry.
She pulled up the image on the screen. A black sac. That's all I could see. I wanted to shout "where's the baby?!" But knew the answer to that question so I remained silent. She took some measurements and left. I knew it was over. I walked through the hallway to meet with the doctor, I felt like everyone knew. I was the woman who miscarried. In an office filled with medical staff and pregnant women, it is so shocking and depleting to realize you're the one NOT carrying a little life inside you, you're the one with a problem.
My miscarriage has yet to happen, or even be confirmed by the OB Office. But I'm anxiously waiting for it to arrive, like a thief in the night, taking away from me the gift of life and the joy of motherhood. I'm nervous to feel the pain, will it really be worse than labor? When will it happen? Will I faint in public like my good friend did 2 months ago?
It's so sad to me that the week after I received my positive pregnancy test, my baby likely died. I was so happy, checking on it's weekly growth and progress, only to look back and realize it wasn't doing any of that. When did this happen? And why?
I know it's likely a chromosomal abnormality. I get it, my husband works in genetics. But it's hard not to consider every.little.thing. Was it the strep throat I got around 5 weeks? The antibiotics that were deemed safe for pregnancy? The painting we did in our 2nd floor unit to prepare for new tenants? The stress of starting a new job? So many questions and likely none of them the cause.
Now I wait for the unknown. Luckily, I have the afternoon baby free with my husband at the beach, watching the tide rolling in and wondering when my life will change.