I wrote this the day that I found out I was pregnant. I was excited to share but didn’t want to make any sort of official announcement until I felt comfortable (which ended up being around 20 weeks). Continue reading for my excitement and feelings regarding pregnancy after loss:
I'm pregnant! I can't believe it.
Really, I can't believe it. 10 months after miscarrying it had become normal to me not to be pregnant. Every passing month wasn't necessarily easy, but it was what life had brought my way and I adapted. Two weeks ago, on a drive up North to close on our condo, I realized I had a still small voice in my head, telling me I couldn't do it. I couldn't get pregnant, and I wouldn't. It was on that drive that I decided to stop that thought, to rebuttal back with "I can and I will!". It was hard to change my mentality, after so many months of accepting that I wasn't pregnant and wasn't holding my baby, it was difficult to even think those little words, but I tried. And maybe it was all for a reason, because maybe my body was already in process of being pregnant.
In part of overcoming my fear of overall anxiety of pregnancy, I forced myself to make an annual OB/GYN appointment. Now, I don't really know anyone that enjoys these appointments, but it was even challenging for me to call and set up the appointment as the last time I was in that office was not necessarily positive. I called, then cried. I made the appointment for the following week, like ripping off a bandaid, I wanted to get it over with and move on to the happier side of my health. The appointment went well, thanks to a wonderful Nurse Practitioner who was calm and considerate. We went over my health, to which she said she wasn't worried and that I would get pregnant again. We did speak about the possibility of my returning this fall to talk fertility options if I wasn't pregnant naturally by the end of the summer. I opted to complete some blood work that day, to check my thyroid and overall health, even though I felt fine, I needed the confirmation in my mind that I was ok. Normally I would feel brave and brazen, not needing the extra confirmation that I am both healthy and fertile, but my miscarriage, and the months of coming up negative, I needed this extra boost.
I came home, feeling a bit melancholy and sad. Would I really need to go back to talk fertility? Would I have to be put on medication to get my body back into the swing of things? It all seemed like it couldn't really be happening to me, even though it happens to so many people and pregnancy loss had already happened to me.
As I laid my toddler son down for a nap, I fell asleep. I'm not normally a napper, in fact I rarely do it. So when I woke 2 hours later, feeling a bit dizzy and disoriented, I thought wow, what if I'm pregnant? I was due for my period the next day, and had no sign of it yet. So I put my son in the car and off we went to the drug store, for ice cream and pregnancy tests. As soon as we returned home, I took the test. I've taken so many in the past year, I'm almost conditioned to see it come up negative. But slowly, and really I thought my eyes were playing a trick, I saw a line start to develop. As it became more bold, I started to cry. I was euphoric and skeptical, all at once. My body contained a little life, after months of thinking it couldn't.
I'm so happy, so excited, and truly looking forward to making it through the first trimester. I'm trying not to let my old experience and fears steal the joy of pregnancy from me, so every moment that I even think about this child I feel blessed. I feel blessed when I feel hormonal, blessed when my stomach feels weird and I feel drained. Blessed when I go to bed at 10pm because I'm so tired, blessed when I get to shop for prenatal vitamins, leafy greens and organic foods. I'm pregnant! And I can't wait to meet this little baby that is restoring my faith in myself.